All right, I admit it. I watch professional wrestling. Now, now. Before you start to mock me for enjoying a "fake" sport I must defend myself. I know the matches are choreographed, and the winners ultimately decided by someone outside the ring, but it's fun to watch. The so called drama as one wrestler challenges another. The suspense as one competitor hovers on the edge of death, only to come back suddenly and lift a three hundred pound man over his head for an amazing body slam and the victory. You just don't get that with real sports.
Now, here's the kicker. Professional wrestling is not really a sport. It's a comedy/drama with a sports like theme. Just like Scrubs is a comedy with a hospital theme. Could you take the same writers out of the hospital into another situation and get comedy? Yes. Could you take the superstars of professional wrestling, put them in goofy situations and get the same effect? Yes. But these muscle bound barbarians are more comfortable in an environment where they can release the built up roid rage and entertain at the same time.
To you snooty comedy elite who only enjoy a good British comedy I say look at Monty Python. You call that high class comedy?
Friday, February 24, 2006
The Smackdown
Thursday, February 23, 2006
For Old Times' Sake
I saw some skating
While watching the olympics
And I fell asleep
Where was my dinner
When I walked through the front door?
Still in the freezer
Look in your attic
And if you smell something bad
Don't open the box
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
On Winter Safety 2
Pursuant to Monday's article on winter safety, I've been asked to provide more of my unique insights on the topic. When the governor of Oklahoma approached me to provide an all encompassing winter driving course for the residents of his state I was honored, but not at all surprised. When I drive I always do so the safest manner possible. Everyday is a training day, and I always seek out opportunities to test myself and my skills. This is what I taught to my fellow Okies, and I now present a few techniques for you who may be afflicted with the occasional snow that you must drive in.
People say that if you end up in a skid you have to turn into the skid. What does that mean? Most people don't know because they aren't in a skidding situation often enough to be prepared. I say provide those opportunities for yourself. Most people think that a vacant parking lot or a deserted road is the best place to practice new driving techniques. This is not the case. How often do new driving situations present themselves in a vacant parking lot or on a deserted road? That's right, never. Practice driving where you drive. Rush hour traffic after a bad snow storm is the absolute best place to drive fast and erratically, putting you in situations where skidding can occur. Bald tires covered in oil can also be used for out of season skid recovery training. Remember practice makes perfect.
Safety tip: When being transported from the accident site in an ambulance or police car do not attempt to take control of the vehicle in order to demonstrate your proficiency to the supposedly "highly trained" emergency vehicle operators.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
On the Inventive Spirit
I had the rare opportunity to judge an invention fair. Oklahoma kids in 1st through 9th grades presented their new ideas for products that will change the world. I cannot invent things because I'm old and have been told that some things are impossible. Were I still young and creative I would be out inventing things everyday.
There were many great inventions that I cannot describe because I have great respect for the intellectual property of those children, and some of them I couldn't describe even if the product were in front of me with a detailed diagram. There were some inventions that worked, and some that didn't. The vast majority were a simple deviation on an already existent product. I don't know why the kids thought making readily available products more expensive and less functional was a good idea, but they're kids, and not polluted by old age and pessimism.
The real secret revealed in this invention fair was the existence of magic and enchanted little elves. You might think a shoe box with sticks glued to it would be incapable of doing anything worthwhile, at least not worth the $100 price tag attatched to it. You would be wrong though, that little box contained enchanted little elves that, after purchasing, become your personal slaves, and will do all your bidding. Or at least some light cleaning and plumbing repair.
When you first see a ruler glued to a measuring cup you probably think to yourself that maybe the kid didn't put a whole lot of thought into his project, and you'd be right. When you can harness the power of magic you don't have to put a lot of thought into these sort of things. You'll be wandering around using multiple tools to measure everyday things, while millions of grade schoolers will be using their magical measuring tools to... measure... things... whatever grade schoolers need to measure these days.
Doubt not, but be believing. We haven't lost our inventive edge to the Asian upstarts. They don't even believe in elves.
Monday, February 20, 2006
On Winter Safety
When my rain gutters filled with water from yesterday's slight warming trend they failed to drain due to the ice buildup in the down spout. A filled rain gutter is a worthless rain gutter and fails to fulfill the ends of its existence. As a proud homeowner I could not allow this situation tarnish my neighborhood reputation as a home repair expert. My reputation is still nursing a few blemishes from the garage door incident two weeks ago (see On Being Big Morty).
But how to resolve the situation. Heat. Heat is the natural enemy to all things cold, such as ice, snow, slush, and frozen water. My 500,000 BTU laser heater has not worked properly since loaning it to my rich neighbor who actually pays people to come do work on his house, so I had to resort to more primitive means. I saw my World War II surplus flame thrower gathering dust in the corner of the garage. Does wet soffit burn? Unfortunately the flame thrower was out of gas. Where was my acetylene torch? That option seemed much safer than the widespread amount of heat offered by the flame thrower. But would it be enough to do the job efficiently? Yes, concentrated amounts of heat applied to a heat conducting metal is an efficient way of melting whatever is in your rain gutters. You also get the benefit of creating several new exit points for the water, 
thus eliminating the problems caused by a plugged downspout.
Safety tip: If you are standing on the roof melting away the frozen edge of snow that seems to be holding the rest of the snow on the roof--be sure to point torch away from body when riding the avalanche to the ground below.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
On Computing Power
mention that when shopping for a new computer the 3.5in floppy-drive is optional, not standard. The 5.25in floppy drive is t-shirts. I should note that the new video card will have more RAM than second computer could have dreamed of, and could single handedly beat the binary out of first computer. I mightI've recently been shopping for a new computer. The one I've decided on will cost about the same as the computer I received when I graduated from high school 8000 years ago (in technology years) but will have slightly different technical specs. I don't know what technical specs do for the average computer users, but I was told that if I want to play my Lord of the Rings computer game I would need better technical specs. To illustrate a few of the differences in technical specs I will compare first computer to new computer. First computer had 32mb of RAM (we upgraded from 16), a 1.7G hard drive, a 28.8bps modem, and a 16X CD-ROM drive. I was the envy of all the tech-geeks at school. Second computer was substantially better, and could be called in its time "totally awesome" (Utah residents will remember the annoying commercials). New computer (when it finally arrives) will have a sufficiently high amount of RAM that adding an additional 32mb would not be enough to notice, and would in fact be rounded out of existence when reporting the total speed. The total memory will be the equivalent of 150 first computers, and the modem is only there as an after thought in case of emergencies requiring "dial-up" technology. CD-ROM drives are so antiquated that CD-ROM owners are often harassed by gang members wearing "DVD +/-/rw/hi-fi/magic/8track" only available at your finer archeological suppliers.
Are we being forced to pay an "upgrade tax" to an evil shadow government who secretly runs all of technology? Why aren't software companies making 3.1 compatible programs anymore? Are we being mocked as we look out our windows by Linux users who maintain an air of superiority despite their lack of easy to find compatible peripherals? What do all these technical specs mean?
You just can't conquer the world on 8000 year old technical specs. The refresh rate is just too slow.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
The End of an Era, or the Beginning
An era at end
This is Morty's last haiku
'Til next haiku week
Well kids, we had a great run. That is officially the most haikus ever created by anyone in the history of the world. You can go ahead and check the facts on that, you'll see that what Big Morty says can be taken as gospel truth. (Please do not form any cult religions based on the Book of Big Morty.)
I hope everyone was able to see the thread of current events running through the haikus. It's much harder to make long and thought out commentary in just three lines. That may be a little misleading. It implies that my commentaries are "thought out," which is not entirely true. Was Einstein's theory of annoying relatives "thought out," or was it just something that occurred to him as he was reading the Sunday comics? Did Benjamin Franklin "think out" the Declaration of Independence? Of course not, it was somebody else. The point is, that sometimes lightning strikes, and sometimes ideas are pulled out of places that are better off not mentioned. It must be hard to be one of those people who struggle with ideas. All the clutter and irrelevancies that end up in print and visual media are examples of the lack of clarity most people experience. But not on Big Morty Says. Here there is truth spurting forth, unable to be contained, being given to the people for their enlightenment. And so I say unto you all, Come forth and drink from the fountain of knowledge recorded on the virtual pages of this blog.
Special note to my minions-
World domination has begun.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Long Weekends
Four days without work
Thanks to Washington's birthday
And going AWOL
Too bad it's cold out
I wanted to go camping
But I'm a big wuss
Leftover candy
Tempting me with its sweetness
In heart shaped cardboard
Haiku week is long
And not getting many laughs
Tomorrow I'm done
Thursday, February 16, 2006
One Happy, One an Excuse
A clown in red pants
Dances with a short giraffe
In the new freak show
When my back hurts me
And my wife is throwing up
I only write two
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Haiku of the Future
Oh, bureaucracy
With dozens of number ones
What do I do first?
Oh no, I've been shot
The king was displeased with me
But he will amend
Where are we going
On these roller coaster rides
That we call our lives?
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Wherefore art thou, St Val?
Much like a hal-mark
Love's wal-mart-i-fication
Now in haiku form
Where has the love gone
When we can no longer give
Swift kicks to the head
Try capoeira
A Brazilian dancing fight
Woo the one you love
Monday, February 13, 2006
A Haiku for Your Love, or Lack Thereof
You made me pancakes
I did the dishes after
Thank you for breakfast
I love to see you
In the morning when I wake
My beautiful girl
Flowers and candies
Neither can last for all time
But my love, it will
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Three Unrhymed Lines
I just made this up
But people think it is art
So there you have it
Heard anything new?
If you like commentary
Check out Robert's blog
Cheese is made from milk
So are ice cream and yogurt
But cookies are not
Hope to fix the door
The garage door has fallen
I broke Lightyear's arm
Haikus are the best
Limericks are too easy
Sonnets are too hard
Is it next week already?
I like to wear pants
They keep my legs toasty warm
Sometimes I go sans
Idaho 'taters
Oklahoma tornadoes
Herb and garlic, yum
On Big Morty Says
You can learn lots of new things
You don't need to know
Saturday, February 11, 2006
The Security of qijibgo
I love the random letter combinations that are presented as "Word Verification" anytime I post or comment on a blog. Granted, this requirement certainly deters spam comments sent from enslaved computers programmed by roving bands of java-beasts, but it also deters genuinely interested people who are not very good at deciphering squigly letters. Now I'm a college educated (not accredited in all states) fellow, and I passed the mandatory reading exam before receiving my diploma (a test put in place due to the large number of illiterates walking around with journalism degrees these days), but I'm not good at letter interpretation either. I have trouble reading my own words when I somehow manage to turn on the italics function. Hey, knock that off. Stupid computer.
There was not real point to writing any of this. If you've continued this far its probably because A) You know me and feel sorry for me, B) Your looking for clues that may lead to the identity of my killer, or C) You're searching for the origin of the phenomenon that will follow this announcement: All next week's posts will be HAIKUS!
That's right. The highest form of Japanese poetry will come to life on the pages of Big Morty Says! Practice your crazy letter reading skills because you'll want to be the first to post comments when you see the quality of Japanese poetry that I can produce when trying to meet an artificial objective that I've set for myself. Yipee!
To my loyal followers, thanks for reading. World domination will begin after Haiku Week.
Friday, February 10, 2006
How to Teach a Child Anything - Techniques Guaranteed to Work
1. Um...
2. Let's see now.
3. There's got to be one.
4. Somebody wrote a book about something.
5. No, it didn't work.
6. With kids shorter than you you need to ...
7. I must be forgetting something.
8. Maybe you could try...
9. Uh...
10. Never mind.
And that concludes this public service campaign. Please feel free to use any of the above listed techniques, share them with your friends, and claim them as your own. Again, all of these are 100% guaranteed to work in every situation with any child.
You're welcome.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
On Making Pee-Pees in the Potty
Today my daughter re-began potty training. She had started at the same time as her older brother, but soon we discovered that she wasn't in it for the satisfaction of using the toilet. What she wanted was the tremendous amounts of false praise that we heaped on her sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the throne with no results, followed by an accident within minutes of re-pantsing, forced us to abandon our attempts at early training.
I was informed of her progress by a phone call at work. Two year olds don't grasp the concept of wireless communication, so she yelled as loud as she could to ensure that I heard. After the call, my comrades in arms congratulated me for having someone (they assumed it was my wife) go pee-pee in the potty.
The topic of conversation soon moved to something we in the military refer to as "Operation Golden Flow." Owing to problems of drug abuse in the military (problems peaked in the 70s, and levels of abuse are very low today) people are randomly chosen to donate their urine for drug testing. Now this isn't your standard pee in a cup behind closed doors test. This test is monitored. Some unlucky soul gets the pleasure of being the pee-pee monitor, and must watch as each individual (of the same sex) urinates into a translucent container which has remained visible from the time it was handed to the pee-er until it is resealed and handed back to the monitor. Stage fright is a common enough occurrence in a crowded rest room, but to know, absolutely and for certain, that someone is checking you out, it's a lot of pressure to perform. There is no reading material on the wall to serve as a distraction. Attempts at conversation are weak and awkward. One must simply be extra hydrated and hope that the sheer hydraulic pressure is enough to overcome what would otherwise be an excuse to exit the restroom, pretend to get a drink, and then reenter and hope no one recognized you.
Maybe it would have been better to stay in the diapers.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
On Geographic Relativity
I seem to remember in high school being shown a series of maps drawn by residents of different regions. Each artist (I can't really call them topographers) drew their own community grossly out of proportion to the rest of the country/world. Millions of people have no concept of space and time beyond their own realm of influence. It always boils down to the "Oh, you're from (insert city/state/country/continent), do you know (insert randomly chosen name from phone book), he lives in (insert name of city/state/country/continent on same planet as previous)?" These questions, while offered in the hope of building common ground, serve to illustrate the relative ignorance of some people. Questions about people within the same city, assuming the city does not have a population of greater then 2 million, shows minimal ignorance. Asking a Norwegian if they know your "friend" from North Korea (they are on the same land mass after all) shows a great deal of ingnorance about geographic relations between countries. Does this ignorance show signs of some underlying racism? The idea that the place I call home is so much larger or better than anywhere else may be the root cause of international conflict. When we start with little common ground, and then increase the rift by belittling (however unintentionally) those we are trying to get along with, we soon degrade to the lowest common denominator.
So what is the lesson learned that I'm trying to pass along to any who will listen, I don't know, tell me what you think.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
New Terror Threats
Here's some news you won't find on the Communist News Network. Known terrorists Ali a Babwa and Al Jafar are plotting attacks against major US theme parks this spring. We know this because of "illegal" DVD tapping being done by our "security-minded" government. It's reported that Al Jafar has already obtained a high ranking position in the management of one of the largest fantasy theme parks in the world. Ali a Babwa is expected to lead a squad of trained hit men posing as a parade through one of the mock towns set up for children to view their favorite Princesses. Rumors report some kind of witch doctor or magical being supporting Ali a Babwa and Al Jafar in their nefarious plots.
Please email this posting to all your friends who may be planning a vacation this year. I certainly won't be the one who had this information and did not forward it to my friends who are now dead
.
This is serious.
Monday, February 06, 2006
On Pseudonyms
Some weeks ago I participated in a consumer research survey. I did so because the letter indicated that my opinions were valuable (a statement backed up with two crisp one dollar bills) and would help determine what my local stores would try to sell to me, and because they would respect my privacy by not selling my name to direct marketing firms. I answered the questions honestly (I really don't want to see liver flavored gum or dog scented air fresheners) but did not spell my name correctly. Much of the junk mail that I receive is because my name ended up on some list provided by any number of prize-offering name gatherers. In the course of several weeks I've received promotional offers and club memberships all addressed to Bog Marti. Now I have the great privilege of knowing who the supposedly "privacy respecting" research company sold my name to. Today I received mailing address labels in the name of Bog Marti from a company that I have enough respect for that I won't name them here (it was not the children's hospital.) Now I feel like Bog Marti is a legitimate entity who should continue to receive free magazine subscriptions and possibly run for public office. Watch out direct mail spammers, when Bog Marti goes to office he is going to regulate.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
On Being Big Morty
Today I ripped the arm off a Buzz Lightyear toy. I also broke my garage door down. Being Big Morty is not always easy, and existence is made harder by the fact that I rarely think before I act. Oh, not in important things like world domination or ordering a combo meal, but in trivial things, like my kids toys, or do-it-yourself home repair. Someday I hope to take an electronic gizmo apart, then put it back together and have it actually work. There may even come a day when I take something apart because it's broken, then after I put it back together it actually works. That would be cool.
