I purchased 120 pounds of manure today. It was my first time. I walked past the manure display several times before adding the bags to my cart. To the bottom of my cart. I had to make sure no one was watching me buy the waste product of a lesser mammal. If I ran into anyone I knew I would have claimed that the manure was not mine, but happened to be on the cart when I picked it up. The manure was surprisingly less expensive than I had imagined. If I collected the stuff and put it in bags I would charge an arm and a leg for it, but the stuff is cheap. I guess it has to do with supply and demand. Lots of supply. Less than an overwhelming amount of demand.
I quickly returned home with my waste product and buried it in the ground before the neighbors saw. What would people think if they saw Big Morty carrying in manure for his own personal use? Especially if they knew that I had paid for the stuff.
I can only dream of the day when an honorable man can walk through a store with his head held high and his cart full of manure. No more sideways glances from the guys in the dirty magazine aisle. No more shaking heads from the obese folks in the candy section. No more muffled giggles from the old ladies trying on spandex. No more. That will be the day... the day before... I buy manure openly again. Till then, I'll go on buying it secretly, and denying it to any one who asks.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
A Load of Bull
Posted by Big Morty at Saturday, March 25, 2006
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8 comments:
"...old ladies trying on spandex"?? Unnessesary images...
Hi. My name is Bob and I am a recovering secret manure shopper. Last October I bought 10 bags at Home Depot to over-seed my Arizona lawn with winter-rye. It was humilating. After I had spread the deoderized-steer manure, I realized I needed more...a lot more. 14 bags later I was finally done with the task. I had begun with the intention of executing a perfect covert operation, but it turned into a full day mission. The deoderized manure had a stench that filled the neighborhood. Reports were filed against me with the home owners association. I have been publicly shamed and my manure shopping was no longer secret. I am in the healing process now and I can sense that closure is near, at least until next October when I have to over-seed again. I just hope that my experiences can help others cope with the stress and embarrassment associated with manure shopping. If I can help just one other person, it all will have been worth it.
So do you boys rembemer a trip out into the country with the pickup to pick up a load of the Real Stuff? You may have been to young to remember the wonderful aroma and the large chunks.
Now that Big Morty's Dad mentions it, I weep as that dark repressed memory resurfaces. Nothing like forced child labor shoveling cow poo to psychologically damage a young tender mind... or shall I say fertilize a tender mind?
I do recall spreading it into the garden soil along the canal bank. I also remember having the disgusting thought that the food we were growing was made up of the waste of an animal...which chain thought led to my morbidly curious pondering about whether a carrot may have elements of a dead human body in it.
Dad, someday one of us will write a book.
I bought some more manure this week. I tried to save money by buying it at Walmart rather than Home Depot. You'd think that one manure is the same as another manure. It is not. For one thing, Walmart's was not deoderized. I believe it may in fact have been odorized. The consistency was also some what more realistic. The real difference, however, was in the taste.
mmm...Walmart poo! mmm
Dear roberts blog,
Your story has given me hope. Last year I bought a bag. I thought I could hide it no one would notice and I used it to plant haustas. Then I found my self wanting to buy a bag for this and buy a bag for that. I have two bags that sat in my garage all winter and now I find myself temped to buy more. Why????
There is hope for you my somehow related by marriage friend. Manure buying is addicting, but you can break the spell by moving to Arizona and limiting yourself to desert landscaping. I live in Arizona, but I have chosen to battle my manure buying temptations daily by having grass. I only allow myself to succumb to this temptation once annually, but when I do, I really indulge myself with at least twenty bags of poo.
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