Today my daughter re-began potty training. She had started at the same time as her older brother, but soon we discovered that she wasn't in it for the satisfaction of using the toilet. What she wanted was the tremendous amounts of false praise that we heaped on her sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the throne with no results, followed by an accident within minutes of re-pantsing, forced us to abandon our attempts at early training.
I was informed of her progress by a phone call at work. Two year olds don't grasp the concept of wireless communication, so she yelled as loud as she could to ensure that I heard. After the call, my comrades in arms congratulated me for having someone (they assumed it was my wife) go pee-pee in the potty.
The topic of conversation soon moved to something we in the military refer to as "Operation Golden Flow." Owing to problems of drug abuse in the military (problems peaked in the 70s, and levels of abuse are very low today) people are randomly chosen to donate their urine for drug testing. Now this isn't your standard pee in a cup behind closed doors test. This test is monitored. Some unlucky soul gets the pleasure of being the pee-pee monitor, and must watch as each individual (of the same sex) urinates into a translucent container which has remained visible from the time it was handed to the pee-er until it is resealed and handed back to the monitor. Stage fright is a common enough occurrence in a crowded rest room, but to know, absolutely and for certain, that someone is checking you out, it's a lot of pressure to perform. There is no reading material on the wall to serve as a distraction. Attempts at conversation are weak and awkward. One must simply be extra hydrated and hope that the sheer hydraulic pressure is enough to overcome what would otherwise be an excuse to exit the restroom, pretend to get a drink, and then reenter and hope no one recognized you.
Maybe it would have been better to stay in the diapers.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
On Making Pee-Pees in the Potty
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
On Geographic Relativity
I seem to remember in high school being shown a series of maps drawn by residents of different regions. Each artist (I can't really call them topographers) drew their own community grossly out of proportion to the rest of the country/world. Millions of people have no concept of space and time beyond their own realm of influence. It always boils down to the "Oh, you're from (insert city/state/country/continent), do you know (insert randomly chosen name from phone book), he lives in (insert name of city/state/country/continent on same planet as previous)?" These questions, while offered in the hope of building common ground, serve to illustrate the relative ignorance of some people. Questions about people within the same city, assuming the city does not have a population of greater then 2 million, shows minimal ignorance. Asking a Norwegian if they know your "friend" from North Korea (they are on the same land mass after all) shows a great deal of ingnorance about geographic relations between countries. Does this ignorance show signs of some underlying racism? The idea that the place I call home is so much larger or better than anywhere else may be the root cause of international conflict. When we start with little common ground, and then increase the rift by belittling (however unintentionally) those we are trying to get along with, we soon degrade to the lowest common denominator.
So what is the lesson learned that I'm trying to pass along to any who will listen, I don't know, tell me what you think.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
New Terror Threats
Here's some news you won't find on the Communist News Network. Known terrorists Ali a Babwa and Al Jafar are plotting attacks against major US theme parks this spring. We know this because of "illegal" DVD tapping being done by our "security-minded" government. It's reported that Al Jafar has already obtained a high ranking position in the management of one of the largest fantasy theme parks in the world. Ali a Babwa is expected to lead a squad of trained hit men posing as a parade through one of the mock towns set up for children to view their favorite Princesses. Rumors report some kind of witch doctor or magical being supporting Ali a Babwa and Al Jafar in their nefarious plots.
Please email this posting to all your friends who may be planning a vacation this year. I certainly won't be the one who had this information and did not forward it to my friends who are now dead
.
This is serious.
Monday, February 06, 2006
On Pseudonyms
Some weeks ago I participated in a consumer research survey. I did so because the letter indicated that my opinions were valuable (a statement backed up with two crisp one dollar bills) and would help determine what my local stores would try to sell to me, and because they would respect my privacy by not selling my name to direct marketing firms. I answered the questions honestly (I really don't want to see liver flavored gum or dog scented air fresheners) but did not spell my name correctly. Much of the junk mail that I receive is because my name ended up on some list provided by any number of prize-offering name gatherers. In the course of several weeks I've received promotional offers and club memberships all addressed to Bog Marti. Now I have the great privilege of knowing who the supposedly "privacy respecting" research company sold my name to. Today I received mailing address labels in the name of Bog Marti from a company that I have enough respect for that I won't name them here (it was not the children's hospital.) Now I feel like Bog Marti is a legitimate entity who should continue to receive free magazine subscriptions and possibly run for public office. Watch out direct mail spammers, when Bog Marti goes to office he is going to regulate.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
On Being Big Morty
Today I ripped the arm off a Buzz Lightyear toy. I also broke my garage door down. Being Big Morty is not always easy, and existence is made harder by the fact that I rarely think before I act. Oh, not in important things like world domination or ordering a combo meal, but in trivial things, like my kids toys, or do-it-yourself home repair. Someday I hope to take an electronic gizmo apart, then put it back together and have it actually work. There may even come a day when I take something apart because it's broken, then after I put it back together it actually works. That would be cool.
